man... i don't understand why i'm so sleepy all the time!! it has been this way since november i think... oh dear... this is not good... how many hours do i sleep everyday? well, the answer is around 6-7. you're probably gonna scold me for not having enough sleep and hence always feeling tired.

well, it's not just the physical tiredness... feel tired in all other aspects as well... i guess all these just leads to feeling so so 'sian'. till now i've not found an english word that can properly translate the word 'sian'. tired of working... tired of thinking... tired of talking to people... tired of reading... tired of almost everything... just so sick and tired. i just want to stay home and sleep... or take off to be on my own for like the next 3 months. just to read, pray, take long baths, cook my own meals that're not oily and sleep... nothing else.

sometimes when i feel like that and i've to go and meet people, i can focus... but after that it just leaves me high and dry. words of praise and appreciation just won't do... encouragement seems to fall short of its purpose...

burn-out? i don't know... what have i been doing anyway that would actually cause this?

when i look at my other friends who're serving in the fields, i feel that they're the ones who should be burning out... not me... ok, so i've been comparing... what's the point right? no, the point is not in comparing... i guess i'm just trying to justify this tiredness and sian-ness that i'm experiencing and i feel that my reasons just fades when i compare it with those who're working harder and so that denies me the right to feel tired at all!!

i'm seriously considering to become a hermit... haha.... NOT...

is rest really what i need? i don't know... maybe i'm just losing focus.. too many things are just cluttering up... things to do... meeting expectations at home and at work... and things you were once passionate abt just becomes things that needs to be done... drop some of the things that i'm doing?? never!! drop work... no no... drop ministry... no no too... coz i started it knowing that this was what i'm passionate about.

just read LT's post abt seemingly having 2 personalities... and abt how she has to do a focus shift... maybe that's exactly what i need... a focus shift...

maybe i'm just being too focused in getting things done that i forgot why i'm doing them for. but really, the reason as to why i do certain things just doesn't seem to come to mind. like work... ministry... meeting up with friends even... why am i working? why am i serving? what's my role? why do i bother? why why why? and for what? for whom? reasons that i can think off are just so shallow now... working to fulfill some quota... and serving to count myself worthy of the calling?? that's not even shallow... it's errorneous thinking! what in the world has gotten into me?

anyway, that's what i'm feeling now... doing things all for the wrong reasons... for the sake of doing it...

we serve not to gain approval... but we serve out of the appproval we have gained.

i remember that so clearly from the G12 conference earlier on this year.

at the end of 2004... i remember asking God what He wants me to learn in 2005. i remember Him saying 'persevere'... hmm... i probably did learn that in 2005... but maybe with brute force of my own...

2006 would prob be the same... to learn to hang on... to go on... but this time i hope i learn to do so with much prayer... to learn to depend on him.

looking on... 2006 would be a very significant year for me. but i think it's going to be quite mad for me too. sooo many things to do... work-wise, family-wise, ministry-wise... brute-force to carry me through 2006? then i'm definitely headed for a major burn-out. so i'm just asking for God's grace and strength to carry me through.. for the worries that i have now for next year...

i'm just not satisfied to go through life just cruising... not knowing what exactly you're actually doing... what you're actually working for... anyway, this reminds me of a song... really love the lyrics... hope it ministers to you too... =) God bless you! and your new year ahead. =) happy new year! may it be a fruitful one.

Believe
(by Hillsongs - For this cause album)

I say on Sunday how much I want revival
But then on Monday, I can't even find my bible
Where's the power
The power of the cross in my life

I'm sick of playing the game of religion
I'm tired of losing my reason for living
Where's the power
The power of the cross in my life

I'm not content just to walk through my life
Giving into the lies
Walking in compromises now
We cry out as a generation that was lost
But now is found in the power of the cross

We believe in You
We believe in the power of your Word and its truth
We believe in You
So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You

I'm not satisfied doing it my own way
I'm not satisfied to do church and walk away
I'm not satisfied, there's no love in my life but You

I'm not satisfied living in yesterday's hour
I'm not satisfied to have the form, but not the power
I'm not satisifed, oh Lord I am crucified in You

We believe in You
We believe in the power of your Word and its truth
We believe in You
So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You

{ Friday, December 30 }

sorry for the long lag before the next post. don't really know what to post on. hehehe. and maybe too lazy to. =P besides, i've got no more internet access at home. boohoo. coz my computer is kaput and so there goes the connection. =) oh well... my computer at home is an antique now. the CD-rom drive doesn't work... the motherboard can hardly support the hard disk... and it's soooo slow... hahaha... so here i am in my office, blabbering away to an unknown audience...

anywayz, just trying this out... been trying to upload pictures onto my blog for the longest time. i remember we used to have to download a software to do it. think the software was called hello. and to use it, you have to download another software called picassa. gosh... and you need to interface the 2 softwares and then use it to post pictures on your blog which converts each picture to a single post. man... i gave up on it...

and just... was talking to CH on msn (ok, so now you know what i really do at work... haha!!) and she said that there's this button on this page where i'm writing itself to post an image... thanks for the info!! hehehe =) and so... here it is, the debut picture:

hehehe... so that's me... among the kids... at one of my MPC nursery sessions with K. =)

ta da!!! it is done!! test complete. mission accomplished. =) till the next post.

{ Wednesday, December 28 }

ah.... =) had a nice little break last week with my friend LN. we took a trip up to KL to do some shopping!! hahaha! yes.... me, shopping. and the best part is i couldn't get enough of it. hahaha... so unlike me...

LN was a fantastic tour guide and navigator... hahaha... coz i'm always walking in the wrong direction. =) it was great to hang out with her again after so long. really enjoyed her company man. hope that her work gets cleared up soon... =)

we visited KLCC (the shopping area below the petronas twin towers), mid-valley megamall (it's supposed to be 1km long per level from north to south) and berjaya times square (the recently opened mall with an amusement park in it which claims to have the longest indoor roller coaster in the world... or is it in asia? can't remember). hehehe. when we were in mid-valley, we felt kinda demoralised coz we didn't buy anything. hard to as well... coz the fashion there is so different from the fashion we find in singapore. but i did buy some stuff... but from stores which can also be found here in singapore!! *faints* oh well... =)

at least now i know that i'm definitely in to singapore fashion... =P

well, the trip up is not just all about shopping... we visited our dear friend living there too! he was really nice and hospitable towards us. really thank him for our enjoyable stay. he called us every night to tell us where we could go and visit in KL... he drove us round the city and showed us some popular night sights... and it was really nice visiting his cell group. hehehe. happening bunch of people. we had a good time playing an ice-breaker game called 'love your neighbour'. haha!! unforgetable. =)

that was a good break from the norm.... and now i'm back in office... working again... sigh... oh well... =)

and saturday, 3rd dec, was our last service in TC!!! *wail* but we're moving to an even bigger place at expo! =) have mixed feelings towards that place... i guess that's how people always feel when there're major changes taking place in their lives. and.... the move would mean that i'll no longer have services on saturdays but on sundays.... that's quite a bit of adjustment... i can't imagine myself being free on a saturday afternoon and packed on a sunday. it's usually the other way around. but in any case, am looking forward to moving to the expo!!

my youth pastor says that we're moving to a place with EXtraordinary POssibilities! =) happening! and my cell mate coined up EXPOnential growth. =) really look forward to the work God will be doing in that place.... filling up the whole of the max pavilion... as well as helping each one of us to grow in faith in Him...

so exciting!!

then comes sunday, 4th dec. well, early in the morning, i ran the stan chart mini marathon (10km)... wahhhh.... tiring man..... but thank God i completed it... today i'm aching all over. sigh... thank God too that i could run with a good friend and cell mate, JL... was really encouraging to have her around... if not i don't think i could run up till the 6.5km mark before i was punctured... hahaha. =)

after the run, rushed home to change to attend a good friend's wedding. man... it was so touching... weddings always makes me cry..... so sweet.... especially when they exchange vows, and you know they mean it, and when they give thanks to God and their families, and when you hear speeches made abt them.... really touching! words simply fail to describe the beauty of the union we witness... it's just beautiful.

recently, weddings kind of reminds me of how God described himself as the groom and us, the Church, as the bride. i can just imagine that love and anticipation the groom experiences as the bride walks down the aisle towards him and the love and anticipation the bride experiences too as she is walking towards the groom.

i remember when i first heard how God described His coming as the groom for his bride, the Church. i took it really, at the face value. after attending so many beautiful weddings, i come to realise that there is such gladness and joy in the union only because there was this period of preparation and this period of drawing closer to one another and this period of building a strong relationship that makes the whole affair so touching and sweet.

i guess till Jesus returns to claim His bride, which is us, we're also living in that period of preparation, that period of drawing closer to Him and that period of building an intimate relationship with our spiritual bridegroom. how much sweeter that day would be when He comes to claim His bride. and just like how the bride keeps herself pure to present herself wholly to her groom do we, the Church, keep too ourselves pure and holy for our groom, the King.

just imagine... how much more beautiful that Day would be...

and it was so nice to meet 3 of our dear dear friends from the UK!! they came to attend DK's wedding! =) they're K and R and our dear DR. hahaha. DR's still the same... hehehe... funny and witty... =) really nice to see him again since we left the UK. it has been like 2 years.... K and R are also the same... sweet and loving... =) and they've been through so much over the past year. their courage and faith in God is really admirable. they really inspire me... i just pray that when i grow old that my faith in God would be as strong as theirs and my relationship with God will be as intimate as theirs...

His love really amazes me...

{ Monday, December 5 }