man... i don't understand why i'm so sleepy all the time!! it has been this way since november i think... oh dear... this is not good... how many hours do i sleep everyday? well, the answer is around 6-7. you're probably gonna scold me for not having enough sleep and hence always feeling tired.

well, it's not just the physical tiredness... feel tired in all other aspects as well... i guess all these just leads to feeling so so 'sian'. till now i've not found an english word that can properly translate the word 'sian'. tired of working... tired of thinking... tired of talking to people... tired of reading... tired of almost everything... just so sick and tired. i just want to stay home and sleep... or take off to be on my own for like the next 3 months. just to read, pray, take long baths, cook my own meals that're not oily and sleep... nothing else.

sometimes when i feel like that and i've to go and meet people, i can focus... but after that it just leaves me high and dry. words of praise and appreciation just won't do... encouragement seems to fall short of its purpose...

burn-out? i don't know... what have i been doing anyway that would actually cause this?

when i look at my other friends who're serving in the fields, i feel that they're the ones who should be burning out... not me... ok, so i've been comparing... what's the point right? no, the point is not in comparing... i guess i'm just trying to justify this tiredness and sian-ness that i'm experiencing and i feel that my reasons just fades when i compare it with those who're working harder and so that denies me the right to feel tired at all!!

i'm seriously considering to become a hermit... haha.... NOT...

is rest really what i need? i don't know... maybe i'm just losing focus.. too many things are just cluttering up... things to do... meeting expectations at home and at work... and things you were once passionate abt just becomes things that needs to be done... drop some of the things that i'm doing?? never!! drop work... no no... drop ministry... no no too... coz i started it knowing that this was what i'm passionate about.

just read LT's post abt seemingly having 2 personalities... and abt how she has to do a focus shift... maybe that's exactly what i need... a focus shift...

maybe i'm just being too focused in getting things done that i forgot why i'm doing them for. but really, the reason as to why i do certain things just doesn't seem to come to mind. like work... ministry... meeting up with friends even... why am i working? why am i serving? what's my role? why do i bother? why why why? and for what? for whom? reasons that i can think off are just so shallow now... working to fulfill some quota... and serving to count myself worthy of the calling?? that's not even shallow... it's errorneous thinking! what in the world has gotten into me?

anyway, that's what i'm feeling now... doing things all for the wrong reasons... for the sake of doing it...

we serve not to gain approval... but we serve out of the appproval we have gained.

i remember that so clearly from the G12 conference earlier on this year.

at the end of 2004... i remember asking God what He wants me to learn in 2005. i remember Him saying 'persevere'... hmm... i probably did learn that in 2005... but maybe with brute force of my own...

2006 would prob be the same... to learn to hang on... to go on... but this time i hope i learn to do so with much prayer... to learn to depend on him.

looking on... 2006 would be a very significant year for me. but i think it's going to be quite mad for me too. sooo many things to do... work-wise, family-wise, ministry-wise... brute-force to carry me through 2006? then i'm definitely headed for a major burn-out. so i'm just asking for God's grace and strength to carry me through.. for the worries that i have now for next year...

i'm just not satisfied to go through life just cruising... not knowing what exactly you're actually doing... what you're actually working for... anyway, this reminds me of a song... really love the lyrics... hope it ministers to you too... =) God bless you! and your new year ahead. =) happy new year! may it be a fruitful one.

Believe
(by Hillsongs - For this cause album)

I say on Sunday how much I want revival
But then on Monday, I can't even find my bible
Where's the power
The power of the cross in my life

I'm sick of playing the game of religion
I'm tired of losing my reason for living
Where's the power
The power of the cross in my life

I'm not content just to walk through my life
Giving into the lies
Walking in compromises now
We cry out as a generation that was lost
But now is found in the power of the cross

We believe in You
We believe in the power of your Word and its truth
We believe in You
So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You

I'm not satisfied doing it my own way
I'm not satisfied to do church and walk away
I'm not satisfied, there's no love in my life but You

I'm not satisfied living in yesterday's hour
I'm not satisfied to have the form, but not the power
I'm not satisifed, oh Lord I am crucified in You

We believe in You
We believe in the power of your Word and its truth
We believe in You
So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You

{ Friday, December 30 }