judging from the title, this is probably gonna be a long post.

i have many experiences walking with God. yesterday i just attended a career talk. when i look at the lives of the people giving the speeches... how should i put it? they're all in their late 40s, they're very experienced in the commercial world though they did take on different port folios, eg from audit to marketing to HR... or from techy to sales to teaching to HR to directorship. sadly none really talked abt changing line completely.

as i was on my way home i was sharing with hubby abt how i feel. if i should go to sales or if i should go to nursing. i told him that i told God that i can't make the decision and i told God that if He really wanted me in sales, that He'd send someone to invite me over. i also told God that if He wanted me to go to nursing, that He sent nurses into my life to tell me more abt the career. you know what? the latter happened. now i'm confused. was it a fluke? or is God testing me?

with such choices comes great sacrifices. my life wouldn't be as fixed as i'd like, ie, shift work and no fixed hours, working on weekends and holidays. my life would also be less comfortable.. i can't buy what i feel like, eat what i feel like. true, the health care sector is changing and more career opportunities are opening up there but i simply don't have the guts to do it. maybe God was really testing my passion. i don't know. i don't really dare to ask for another sign...

so i guess i'm pretty much stuck here... or maybe i'd switch much later on... major late life career change?

well, here comes the next part on my thoughts on choices....

it's not just important to choose our job... it's not just important to choose our life partner... it's also important to choose what we believe in.

what's your belief system?

well, i believe in God. i believe everything works out for the good even though it might suck at first. i believe God is always good and always in control.

that's my firm belief. so no matter what happens, i have hope. false hope some of you might say, well, at least it pulls me through and i can testify to how God has been alive in my life.

what rocks you when your down? do you give up? do you run away? do you hide? what you believe in will determine your attitude, your outlook and perspective and the way you pick yourself up. if things that happen to you in life is always by chance, how sad that would be. but if your life has a plan and purpose, would you walk in it? we can only walk in God's plan if we choose to believe that God has a plan!

i see many dejected people... they believe everyone has given up on them and so they gave up on themselves. and language doesn't go easy with them as well... they're eventually termed, the rejects of society. how sad that is. if you're at this point, where do you go from here?

so what do you believe in? if nothing at all, how abt having a go at something.

i have to say, that some belief systems are complete off-balanced and even harmful. so choose wisely.

talking abt convicts, they soon become ex-convicts and need a second-chance. it's really cool to see society giving them a second chance. and i was reminded of this song... couldn't remember the lyrics, went to look it up and almost teared while reading it...

I'm comin' home, I've done my time
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to do
If you still want me
If you still want me

Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree
It's been three long years
Do ya still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus
Forget about us
Put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree

Bus driver, please look for me
'cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison
And my love, she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
I wrote and told her please

Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree
It's been three long years
Do ya still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus
Forget about us
Put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree

Now the whole damned bus is cheerin'
And I can't believe I see
A hundred yellow ribbons round the old oak tree
I'm comin' home

funny how this song came to mind as i was planning to write this entry.. and yesterday i was thinking abt forgiveness... and when i was reading the papers, the guy who sang this, tony orlando, is coming to singapore to hold a concert... and the concert is called the yellow ribbon world tour.... celebrating the 35th anniversary of penning this song.

forgiveness is a wonderful thing. i still remember sharing abt it with my girls. but one thing i forget to mention.. is that though we forgive, it still does take time to build that trust up again. i guess that's what makes it difficult for people who've wronged us before. anyway, that's just a side thought...

as of today, i'm 20 weeks pregnant! praise the Lord! i'm still waiting to find out the gender of my baby. i should know next saturday when i go for my detailed ob scan. =)

in life, there're ups and there're downs. that are what we call seasons. do you recognise the season? are you picking up the lessons?

{ Friday, August 29 }

choices are very important in life.... like duh right?

sometimes choosing the best thing might not be the best choice. i think knowing you want is ultimately the driving factor to make a choice.

so what do i want in life? i think pertaining to family life, i got it pretty sorted... probably because i spent a lot of time deciding what i really wanted in family.

but in terms of my job... i'm just slugging away. i just can't understand how people can do the same things for years and years. i think you must really have a passion for something to be able to do it for life after you end your tertiary education.

i thought i knew what i wanted. i guess i never really thought it through hard enough while i was schooling. i was short sighted. during my schooling days, i thought that the end of university is my end goal... only to get a rude shock that the end of uni was just the beginning.

i knew what i wanted to do when i was 7... up till when i was 17... i've always wanted to be a doctor. really really wanted to be one. even now. but during my 'o's, i didn't make the cut to get into my prefered jc. ended up somewhere else. i guess that devastated me. then it went down all the way for the next few years until Jesus found me.

after that, i just decided that money was enough to keep me going in any job. i was wrong. the basis for what you want as a career should never be based on how much you would be renumerated.

if i could turn back time, i would have chosen pharmacy. i was deciding between computer science and pharmacy. but because, being young and gullible, i decided that computer science would be a better choice since the salaries for the jobs are better.

well, pharmacy is probably 2nd best after doctor. nursing is not too bad too... just that you get your hands that little bit dirtier.

i know this conversion course for professionals to be nurses.

should i do it? will i like it? any comments from anyone?

sigh... pay VS dream... being a nurse will definitely slash my salary to less than half my current.

more on choices on my next post....

{ Thursday, August 21 }

woohoo!!!!!

- 16 weeks maternity leave
- 6 days child care leave
- 1 week (7 days) unpaid infant care leave
- more baby bonus
- child care subsidies (i think this is for the child care and not for me, well, it wasn't made very clear)
- upgraded curricula at child care centres

*beams*

weeeeee!!! was hoping for 6 months maternity leave though. hahaha... ok la.. can't ask for too much.

my appetite is building up.. now in 5th month of pregnancy. getting myself scanned this friday.

*beams again*

need to find more substantial food to snack on during office time... buns and muffins are not enough anymore...

any suggestions any one? coz i'm running out of them.

and...... streetdirectory.com is back in business!

{ Tuesday, August 19 }

you know, this is really an art. yes, being silent.

did talk to some people abt this before... and i have personally experienced to some extent really "qian bian" statements from people, where what is really required is to just shut up and be there. some people just like to act smart.

received a devotional today that talked abt that.

in the book of Job, in chapter one, Job lost everything, his family and his wealth. and his friends who were passing by his house probably saw him all huddled up in a heap of ash, went over, tore of their robes and scattered ashes on their heads (that's the culture at that time to symbolise grief) and then sat there for 7 days and 7 nights to mourn together with Job without speaking a single word. (Job 2:12-13)

sometimes, in times of mourning, exactly that is required. no "wise or profound" or "trying to put things into perspective" words will do any help. i can just so cook up a few cliche statements that self-righteous, try to be smart people say...

"there's a reason for everything"
"time will heal"
"i know what you feel" (who ever says this should really be shot.. if you don't know how he/she feels, don't say it)
"what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"
"cheer up. there're people worse off than you"

talk abt lame. imagine if someone lost a loved one. would such words help?

even saying "i don't know what to say" or "my heart is with you" is any time better than any of the try-to-sweep-things-under-the-carpet statements above.

how insensitive can people get sometimes? people who say those statements are probably well-meaning. but really, it doesn't and it never did help.

sometimes all people need when they're sad is to have someone to turn to. to feel with them, to cry with them. not for someone to cheer them up? true, those words could come if that person seems to be slipping away but not at the immediate point of grief.

sorry that i feel so strongly about this. but i've seen well-meaning but insensitive people cause so much heart to people who're already suffering loss and grieving.

next time you attend a funeral, or talk to someone who has experienced loss, you don't have to skip around the topic just because it might get uncomfortable.. just ask the person how he/she is. if they reveal, listen. if they don't, pray for them. if you're really a friend, be there, help them, support them.

grief and loss is probably what we all will go through in our lives. like what the book of ecc. says, there's a time for everything. and as it says in romans 12:15, rejoice with those who're rejoicing and weep with those who weep. so be sensitive, not aloof, indifferent or try to pretend nothing bad has ever happened and life is all the same.

{ Friday, August 8 }

things i will eat after i give birth... and finish breastfeeding

top of the list: SASHIMI!!!!
BBQ food of all sorts - outings, satay, sambal sting ray, sambal sotong, chicken wings
sausages.. of all sorts as well. well, except those with gross stuff packed in it
oyster egg (orh jian) - definitely deprived of this
medium rare beef steak
drink a kilkenny or some wine...
chips chips and more chips
more snacks, snacks, snacks
KFC!
carbonara (can't eat this coz most use raw eggs)
char kuey teow
laksa

sheesh, very basically, back to unhealthy living.... bad..... and you can see now that's the list of foods that i'm avoiding.
well, at least my pregnancy is steering me in the right path of healthy eating. i'm even determined to start swimming now.

but i know... and so know that i'm gonna slip back into my sedentary lifestyle after i give birth. but then again, after junior arrives, i doubt life will be sedentary anymore! hahaha.

ok... i think i'm high on sugar.

anyway, one of my colleagues from vietnam is also pregnant and she has been emailing me the last 2 days. it's so nice to hear from her. she's a really really nice gal. i like her company while i'm there. she's due in jan 2009 too!!! how cool's that? in case you still don't know why it's cool, i'm also due in jan 2009. doh...

so yes... here's ms high-on-sugar loggin off. till next time!

{ Thursday, August 7 }

i don't know how long i can take this... i'm just so so tired... weekends are madness... and nobody understands how tired i can get. today, my head is spinning from the lack of sleep. not really lack of sleep either, coz 7 hrs of sleep is prob my usual everyday but now.. 7 hrs is no longer enough! sometimes 8 is not enough.

it's so tough to get people to understand. sheesh. my head is really throbbing as i type this and i've past my effective at work during pregnancy. i'm usually brain dead by 4. it's nearly 5 now. 1 more hour to knock off.... packed weekends don't help.

more than just being tired, i now have frequent and sometimes severe nasal congestion. i get very sensitive to changes in temperature and it causes me to sneeze. not just does my nose gets blocked, it sometimes bleeds. and all this is normal, according to many sources i've read because of the rising levels of oestrogen. this won't go away until after delivery.

to top it up, i get exceptionally bloated by dinner time and i don't understand why that is so. it's so embarassing sometimes to burp so loudly in public because of all the built up air in the tummy.

oh well..... it's a growing phase... interesting experiences... learning how to cope...

{ Monday, August 4 }

woohoo! went for my doctor's appointment today. my baby's 16 weeks now. if you consider pregnancy to be 10 months and not 9, then baby's 4 months today! doctor's happy with my baby's progress and i saw baby's heart beating again... this goes to show how translucent his/her skin is.. but sadly, its still too small for us to tell its gender... and i gotta say this.. i spent a bomb! today....

was expecting my bill to come up to $200 plus, as usual. but since i'm now in my second trimester and baby's looking good, doctor recommended to me his package for delivery. it's gonna cost me $1,600. that's not that bad i think. this's probably one of the cheaper packages i've heard of so far. my colleague who used to see him 14 years ago had her package priced at $2,000. my 2 other friends seeing other doctors have packages at $1,800 for natural births. so i was thinking, mine's gonna be at gleneagles... so... should be good la huh? anyway, this doctor's got a pretty good reputation.

so the payment is split into 3. i pay $600 this round... right.. there goes my bonus man... which just got credited into my account a few days ago. not just this i gotta pay for. also my income tax, plus some other miscellaneous expenditure that i've been putting off with spending till now. oh well... bonus better than no bonus.

not just the package i gotta pay for today... also a $260 blood test... which the nurse extracted 3 test tubes of blood. man! 3 test tubes! *faints* ok, i'm afraid of needles. i didn't dare look when the nurse was injecting me. then when she was abt halfway done, she asked if i felt giddy. i wonder if she asked to see if i'm still conscious or if it's a standard question from the sudden loss of blood.

sigh.....

well, it's all gonna be worth it. some of you might beg to differ... but really.. what's money? you can earn it back. yes, it's hard work... but given the opportunity to bear and love a life... that's more precious.....

all in all, i give thanks.. for the provision of the bonus from my work... for all these additional spendings. God always provides.... and He's always just in time... and He'll always give enough.

so whenever i have to spend so much, i just gotta tell myself that God provides. and in all circumstances, remember to give thanks.

thank You Jesus.

{ Friday, August 1 }