i just had a thought...

i was talking to a colleague who told me that he's very impressed by people who're very strong in their faith in God, and he especially admires moses. and i was thinking... the great cloud of witnesses that has gone before us has a testimony to share - a mighty testimony of God's goodness, love and faithfulness to them. so i was thinking it'd be great if i had a testimony too...

well, in a sense, we all can and do testify of God's goodness in their lives but i know somehow we wished it could somehow be more "powerful" or more "miraculous". but to experience such miracles do put us in a place of great testing and suffering.

i'm not sure abt you, but i feel that a lot of us want to follow Christ to such an extent yet are unwilling to count the cost and pay the price. and it pains me that i am found among this set of people. many times i confess that "i'm living for you..." "i live to honor you"... and all the other wonderful lyrics that i sing but reality seems sometimes bigger than God.

so i can only turn back to God and say, help me, mould me.... and mean it, striking out the "p.s. don't let it be too painful." coz i really do want to trust in God and believe He has a plan and is my provider. i wanna believe w.h.o.l.e.h.e.a.r.t.e.d.l.y.

i received an email from one of my kids who's been in bangkok for a while coz her dad has been posted there for work and though i've read the story on her email many times, it still touches me that God do hear and answer prayers. it was the story abt the missionary who asked the children in the orphanage to pray for a hot water bottle for a prematurely born baby and one of the children asked God for a doll for another child too.

how pure that faith.

i guess i just feel humbled by God and repantant of my doubts in Him. truly, who are we that God is mindful of us and gave us a role to play in His wonderful plan.

these few days has been pretty amazing. as we enter into the 100k campaign, i found myself praying desperately for people to bless... and i though to myself, why should i be so desperate? God HAS the desire to bless! we are just his vessels and this campaign only sets in place our hearts to be ready vessels... it's like a wake up call that we are all called to bless and minister...

so guess what? by none of my efforts, God led me to 3 people in my office whom i can bless with prayer... 2 of which used to go to the church i'm going to now but have since left. coincidence? i call it God's appointed time.

i'm not even sure if any of you understands what i'm typing about but it doesn't matter... i'm just in this state of amazement again as we enter into the 40 day fast... and first week of devotionals focused on the heart of the matter. and i'm sure many of you would have heard.. the heart of the matter, is really a matter of the heart.

how apt and how it fits into the verse from my retreat... that God turns our heart of stone into a heart of flesh... to feel the pain that He feels, that others feel...

i pray that i won't be so absorbed into my own comfortable world that i have chosen to close my eyes to the needs of those around me.

{ Wednesday, July 4 }