you know, this is really an art. yes, being silent.

did talk to some people abt this before... and i have personally experienced to some extent really "qian bian" statements from people, where what is really required is to just shut up and be there. some people just like to act smart.

received a devotional today that talked abt that.

in the book of Job, in chapter one, Job lost everything, his family and his wealth. and his friends who were passing by his house probably saw him all huddled up in a heap of ash, went over, tore of their robes and scattered ashes on their heads (that's the culture at that time to symbolise grief) and then sat there for 7 days and 7 nights to mourn together with Job without speaking a single word. (Job 2:12-13)

sometimes, in times of mourning, exactly that is required. no "wise or profound" or "trying to put things into perspective" words will do any help. i can just so cook up a few cliche statements that self-righteous, try to be smart people say...

"there's a reason for everything"
"time will heal"
"i know what you feel" (who ever says this should really be shot.. if you don't know how he/she feels, don't say it)
"what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"
"cheer up. there're people worse off than you"

talk abt lame. imagine if someone lost a loved one. would such words help?

even saying "i don't know what to say" or "my heart is with you" is any time better than any of the try-to-sweep-things-under-the-carpet statements above.

how insensitive can people get sometimes? people who say those statements are probably well-meaning. but really, it doesn't and it never did help.

sometimes all people need when they're sad is to have someone to turn to. to feel with them, to cry with them. not for someone to cheer them up? true, those words could come if that person seems to be slipping away but not at the immediate point of grief.

sorry that i feel so strongly about this. but i've seen well-meaning but insensitive people cause so much heart to people who're already suffering loss and grieving.

next time you attend a funeral, or talk to someone who has experienced loss, you don't have to skip around the topic just because it might get uncomfortable.. just ask the person how he/she is. if they reveal, listen. if they don't, pray for them. if you're really a friend, be there, help them, support them.

grief and loss is probably what we all will go through in our lives. like what the book of ecc. says, there's a time for everything. and as it says in romans 12:15, rejoice with those who're rejoicing and weep with those who weep. so be sensitive, not aloof, indifferent or try to pretend nothing bad has ever happened and life is all the same.

{ Friday, August 8 }